Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

Here’s the dirt on what’s going on right now!

THE DARK CLAN

The Dark Clan Shows coming up.  We are going on tour to the East Coast this week, and then we’ll have some shows in the home state!

TOUR:

April 2 - The Dark Clan, XuberX, Deaf Not Dead

At MOJO 13
1706 Philadelphia Pike,
Wilmington DE 19809
www.mojothirteen.com

April 3 - The Dark Clan and Dharmata 101

Ascension
Club Orpheus
1003 East Pratt Street
Baltimore MD 21202
www.mypsace.com/mdascension

April 4 - The Dark Clan, XuberX & Myotis

at Fallout
117 N 18th st
Richmond VA 23223
www.subcultserver.com/fallout/

April 5 - The Dark Clan, Caustic, XuberX, Gothsicles, Prometheus Burning

Spellbound
1823 L St. NW
Washington DC
www.myspace.com/spellbound_dc

HOME:

April 11 - The Dark Clan, Null Device, Government Zero

@ Zad’s Roadhouse
9pm, $5
438 2nd St
Milwaukee, WI

May Shows will be posted soon!

LANE ELLEN - BELLYDANCE

Working on some items in the local region, and can usually be found still at local haflas.  As a reminder, Tribal Revolution and the Zafira Immersion are coming up in June - reserve your space now for these events that will definitely sell out!

OTHER NOTABLE EVENTS LOCALLY

Pezzetino Album Release Show at Shank Hall on April 18th.  Lots of possible special treats with this event!  The music is great - go check it out @  pezzetinomusic.blogspot.com  I’m planning on being there if I can.

More to Come on this!

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

What’s in it? What works for you for generating ideas?

What works for you for creatively rendering those ideas into hard media instead of residing in your head?

A popular source for creative ideas is The Artist’s Way (and the follow up book, Vein of Gold) by Julia Cameron. It is a book recommended by several bellydance training programs, as many artistic people find that it is a method that works for them.  Another book that I’ve come across is Twyla Tharp’s The Creative Habit. I’ve read the Twyla Tharp one, and I’ve never successfully gotten all the way through Julia Cameron’s books. I own Flow and am trying to read it now…

What I’m trying to get at here is that I’m not looking for books on creativity. I’m looking for the practical, active tips for how you make your internal ideas come out and take form. How you take a feeling and communicate it into the substance of art - whether through words or color or movement?

When you feel filled with the desire to create, burgeoning with the need to put pen to paper, how to do you open yourself up to set it free?

How do you find inspiration? How do you keep it fresh, instead of creating a variation of the same thing?

How do you keep in touch with the creative spark to fill you when you are tired and don’t have anything new?

Do you have exercises, hints, activities? Do you listen to music? Do you do something rote to clear away the chaff? Julia Cameron would say write your Morning pages to get all the extraneous “stuff” out and stop blocking your flow. Twyla Tharp says to exercise and move.

What do you say?

What works for you and your art?

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

Every year, I quit dance. 

I love dance. I cannot stop doing it, no matter what. I love the dance community and the friends I’ve made.  I love performing, and am excited about the things I’m doing this year. 

But every year, I get a moment where my brain screams, “WHY AM I DOING THIS?”  I feel betrayed, left out, and tired. I usually stop training, stop working on new pieces, stop believing it can work. I get defensive and hurt.

It doesn’t always happen the same time of the year, but without fail, it happens, every year -usually around winter, when I become more internal. Something happens that reaffirms my fears that there is no way I can ever make bellydance be a viable hobby, let alone lifestyle. Usually, at the same time, I’m feeling uninspired and unmotivated as well - adding to my growing belief that I’m wasting my time.

Then, in a week or a month, I get right back on the wagon and go.

This year, I’d powered through the winter doldrums by drilling and focusing on goals. But I paid for it.  Because I hit the resignation wall HARD. 

Myriad things promote this. Like most artistic communities, there’s a fair amount of drama involved. Whether a constant debate around what the art is supposed to be, what bellydance is, what is ethical, and what is good business practice.  There’s a debate on what is new, and what is rehashed old stuff, and whether that matters.  There are cliques and popular kids, subcultures within subcultures, and plenty of keeping it in the family.

Really to be expected in any group of artistic people trying to make their way.

But somewhere in all of that dramatic nonsense, something punched me across the face. 

I realized that I have begun to feel pretty pressed to jump into the tide and let it take me away. To “Give it all up for The Dance.”  To teach regular classes, to market myself heavily, to have a presence at most large festivals, to put together a business for costuming, to become heavily involved in hosting events.  To sink my extra money and time into dance. Push, push, push, push…

On top of this, I don’t feel like I have the time to work on known issues, to flesh out my style, to figure out what I really want out of all of this. Real goals I’ve had – such as focused training – have gone by the wayside.  I’ve not had time to let physical and emotional wounds heal.

I don’t wanna anymore. Dance has started to become something I feel pressured to “move up” with, as if there’s some ladder I’m trying to climb. It’s starting to affect my relationships with other dancers, building a more competitive atmosphere.  I start to look for innovations and ways to make “my mark” instead of dancing as I’m moved.

When I start to feel as if people are invading my turf, or stealing my thunder, it should be a warning sign. My goals for dance are sharing and collaboration, not hoarding and manipulating.

When I begin to feel that if I’m being left out because I’m not playing the back-scratching game, I need to evaluate what my boundaries are and why I’m doing something. 

When I begin to feel as if I’m running out of time, I need to review my perceptions and beliefs.

I need a head and heart check.

Don’t get me wrong - I’ve a degree in business and I understand marketing and methods of building business and success. I live the corporate life every day. I am a professional in the things I do, and I expect to be treated that way. It’s when the ”profession” starts feeling more like a mafia family than a community that I wonder if it is what I want.

So, I’m tendering my resignation, here and now, from the profession of bellydance.  

As in, I’m withdrawing from the larger bellydance “profession” pressure in order to redefine my own goals, terms of personal success, and head towards them. This is my official way of saying, “screw you, rat race of bellydance.”  I refuse to make this a race to the finish line, a competition where I undermine others to get ahead.

I’m going to keep dancing, and dance at events I want to dance at, dance to music I’m interested in dancing to, and put as much of myself into it as possible.

I’m going to focus on being successful at the things I’ve already committed to, and not extend myself to try and be everywhere and for everyone. I’m going to keep writing, connecting and immersing myself in the dance, freely as I feel moved.

I’m going to reassess the path my dance should take, and make sure that my training and certifications fit that path, and not let judgments, popularity or guilt influence those decisions. I want what is best for me.

I’m going to pull in and achieve the health and training goals I’ve put forth for myself year after year and always sacrificed. Now I will put the necessary resources towards achieving them.

I’m going to become financially and physically stable, through training and focus. I’m going to clean up my temples – home and body.

I’m going to immerse myself in community, in friendships and collaborations. I’m going to dance with an open heart and open spirit, bringing all of that to the stage when I perform. I’m going to pursue the arts that inspire me, however that might be.

I’ll emerge stronger than before, and all of the bellydance world will still be there when I get back.  If it isn’t, then it was a fickle bitch to begin with, and I don’t need something like that as a part of my life.

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

Disclaimer: These opinions are not the opinions of any band members beyond myself, and any resemblance in beliefs or feelings of any band member, real or imagined, is purely coincidence, or is cited directly. Terms used often by fellow band members may be used, but this does not mean it came from them. It means I talk more like them now.

I have just finished my first “mini tour” with the band The Dark Clan, and it was an eye-opening experience. As in, my eyes were open for WAY too long.  I thought I’d report the things I learned that I could have ONLY learned on tour.  And in pure rockstar fashion, I think I can say that Vanilla Ice summed it up with “Stop, Collaborate and Listen.”

I’m a dork. Here’s “Listen” for you.

LISTEN

• Listen to the Bands Before You and After You

And not just because you have to wait to load your stuff out.  Stay to listen if you can.  Even if they didn’t stay to listent to you. Because, frankly, you probably make up a good portion of the audience. Every performance is an experience, even if you’ve seen the band before. If you haven’t seen them before, you’re gaining insight into another group. If you have, you are being a supportive community member - and probably enjoying yourself. And when they ask you how it was, you can answer honestly.  And it gives you insight into the type of venue/performance you’re a part of.

• Listen with Earplugs In

HOWEVER, earplugs are necessary. I never knew this.  Somehow, I thought that wearing earplugs during a band performance was rude. It is, in fact, necessary. And as Mercy pointed out, sometimes you hear the music BETTER when you cut out some of the sound reverb. Your ears are not ringing for days afterwards. I now own a whole pack of  earplugs.  They really felt weird the first few times. Now, I loves them. 

• Listen to Other People

I could have gone straight to bed. I was SO DAMN TIRED. Instead I talked to Sean for about 30 minutes or so. And now I know Sean - who’s pretty friggin’ cool. I talked to Dave for a bit too.  And ranted with Jean about the evils of municipal ticketing schemes. And now I feel much more connected to these events.

When I started this whole band thing, I thought I’d be so taken up with thinking about what I’m going to do on stage, or remembering my parts, pre-performance thoughts, that I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone.  But talking to other people before the show actually makes me feel more comfortable - puts faces in the crowd that I’m performing to. It’s nice and alleviates a little of the pre-stage jitters.

• Listen to Feedback

SO important. I wish everyone would be honest about the performances. I wish they’d tell me - “when you make this face, you look like a complete fool.” I know that a lot of responses are, “Great show. Great show,” as they walk by you. It’s almost obligatory. So when I do get something more - positive or negative - I am fantastically happy. What could be tighter?  What was a great add? What sounded good?  What needed more work? Was there enough blend?

I’m not sure there’s such a thing as a perfect show, really. I can imagine one feeling REALLY good, but I constantly want to grow and expand, throw some more of myself out there. So perfection is an ideal on Plato’s cave wall - shadowy and elusive, never wholly attainable. The striving is the key, and feedback necessary for

• Listen to Yourself

If you think something is wrong, take a look at it. Duh, right? However, so many times I don’t listen to what I’m feeling. My intuition is much more the guide in these situations than anything else. It appears that no gig is really the same - even in the same place. So, be ready to listen to yourself.

As in, when you start to feel sick, take some damn time off so it doesn’t get worse. I did not improve my situation by trying to force myself through all my obligations when I felt like crap. My day job might not care that I am coughing my lungs out, but everything else I love is affected by it.

Also - the showmanship. If something feels “old hat”, it might be. Perhaps repeating the same antics of a performance might be a signature, or it might be pulling me down. Yeah I’m new, so right now it isn’t as big a deal. But I want to constantly be aware of what I’m doing and not get into a pattern where someone says, “She always does that stupid move during this part. ” (This goes hand in hand with feedback - hopefully there’s an intervention to help.)

Finally, also related: every now and then - I take a moment and listen inside myself about what I’m doing. Am I still happy to be there? Does something feel uncomfortable or tired? This little check-in with myself helps at times when I’m really frustrated with a performance or uncertain about my direction.

Very important to always be careful to be honest with myself about my performance and use it to get better, not for ritual flagellation.  Grow and learn, as ever.

Any other Listens you can add?  Anything resonate with you?

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

Disclaimer: These opinions are not the opinions of any band members beyond myself, and any resemblance in beliefs or feelings of any band member, real or imagined, is purely coincidence, or is cited directly. Terms used often by fellow band members may be used, but this does not mean it came from them. It means I talk more like them now.

I have just finished my first “mini tour” with the band The Dark Clan, and it was an eye-opening experience. As in, my eyes were open for WAY too long.  I thought I’d report the things I learned that I could have ONLY learned on tour.  And in pure rockstar fashion, I think I can say that Vanilla Ice summed it up with “Stop, Collaborate and Listen.” (Have I mentioned that I seriously lack “cool kid cred”? Or a background in popular music? )

This next Post is Collaborate.  This one is a little verbose.

Collaborate

• Collaborate on The Plan

I want to talk briefly about communication. Holy crap. It’s the most important thing. Between you and your band members. Between you and the promoter. Between you and the other bands. Between your band and the venue.  I’m lucky - I’m a newbie with a bunch of experienced peeps, so I can pretty much go where I’m directed. 

And when Venue-Guy walks up to me and says, “Hey do you know if you [insert band and live music terminology here that I completely do not understand]?” I can say, “Talk to the man in the 10 gallon hat.” (So, I secretly love saying that to someone and not be at a Country Western bar.  Not that I would ever be at one anyway.)

But I’m constantly amazed by how much I don’t know. For example, the term green room. Someone said there was a green room and I was like, “Great.  I like that color.”  So, it is likely that there will be a few things that I’m completely unaware of about an event. Or that I have to check in. Or that I might get free drinks (wha? really?  Cool!)

So, let me tell you that it is great when we discuss the event beforehand. When we know what order we’re going in, how the door is going to be manned, and whether there will be a sound check or a line check.  It is wonderful when we talk about how we’re setting up the stage, and any last minute changes.  It’s even great when we talk about what we’re doing AFTER the show, or on the trip.  This helps planning. While I finish up bring in gear, Nic can go put on his special performance perfume. It makes everything easier to make happen in a

So I’m glad I’m with people who not only answer my many many MANY questions, but also feel free to tell me something I am not doing accurately or what the expectation of me is.  FEEDBACK. Which will be another item on this list.

I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but I’m just trying to clarify the things that I learned while on tour.

• Collaborate on Packing

First, this means help out. Carry shit in and out.  I learned to appreciate the weight of any number of large black things we need.  Seriously, when people talk about being in a band, they do not talk about all the crap they have to load in. It doesn’t fit in the rockstar image. But if I had a choice between a roadie and a bus driver, I’d go with the driver. Carrying your gear somehow makes it more…visceral of an experience.

I might change my mind on that if we made it huge and people wanted to carry gear for me.  But I’ll wait till then.

But secondly, I found that knowing what you have is important. The Amp is not Dan’s gear, it is OUR gear. Without it, WE do not sound good. So if we forget it somewhere, that is bad for all of us. (and frankly, if you manage to forget your amp somewhere, it is time to get more sleep.)

I personally like to pay attention to my stuff for keyboards, and then in addition to several other pieces that I mentally always keep track of.  The Grey bag. The snake. The DIs. Three stands, two garment bags, the merch container and Nic’s windchimes. As time passes, I’ll have a larger mental shelf to remember all of the items needed.  But it’s great for helping out with remembering for each other so the person who only got 2 hours of sleep is backed up by the person who got 5.

• Collaborate on Performance

This one is sort of three-fold. Inter-band collaboration, collaboration between bands on making it happen, and collaboration on stage within your own band.

Ok, so I have to say some of my favorite performances on this tour involved special guests on the stage. The Gothsicles inviting XuberX and Dan to join them, or XuberX inviting Dan.  It was these moments that made me think about how great it is to have a community that really enjoys each other.

But in general, collaborating on performance really goes with the communication above and the plugging below.  I’m amazed at all the efforts that people go through to set up a concert set of people, put everything together, market it, and then go through with it. It’s an extraordinary amount of work to find venues, and then make them happen.

Further - it is nice to be able to work together on stage.  Quickly, I’m finding that watching the other band members, taking cues from them, and grooving out dramatically in my own corner really adds to the fun. Now that my fingers are not shaking when playing, I can lean over and dance with Dan while he shreds. I can put a little more of ME into the moment. (Ironically, I think my experience with improv tribal bellydance may have given me a head start on watching for cues.)

• Collaborate by Plugging Each Other

I noticed that each band plugged the next one, and each band talked about how awesome the other bands were before them. Everyone was effusive with praise and thanks. They were happy to be there, happy people were there to listen, and glad that the other bands were there.  People were pretty open about the performances, and thankful to those that helped out - the sound guy, the DJ, the bartender, the doorgal. The sound guy told us how awesome we were for bringing our own DIs. All in all, people are very appreciative.

And don’t forget each other. I love hearing people talk about the awesomeness of their band members, and how they love working together.

It dawned on me that we are all in this really together. Some people will like one band more than another.  But without the other bands, the event probably wouldn’t have happened.  We are driving through pouring rain and steel grey skies, bogs and cranberry country, and it is all because we love doing what we do. Because we enjoy the music, the performance, and the experience.  Yeah - we are hoping to make money - for everyone involved.  But chiefly, we are out there to share a piece of ourselves - and have a good time doing it. 

Because if you’re not having a good time - what are you getting? 

It’s the perfect time to reach out and work together on gigs, events, reviewing each other’s stuff. Giving feedback, giving ideas, time and energy to each other. Because - much like the dancer community - we are our own audience. It isn’t about being better than everyone else. It’s about giving your best to what you do - and recognizing others doing the same.

It’s interesting to listen to the music now that I know these people. It gives it breadth and personality. These are the people pulling for me, so I’m pulling for them. These seem like the times that build stories and legends. The “No Shit, There I was…” stories that you can’t get any other way than living it, breathing it.  If you remain separate from others, you can’t build those sorts of memories.

Next post will be “Listen.”

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

Disclaimer: These opinions are not the opinions of any band members beyond myself, and any resemblance in beliefs or feelings of any band member, real or imagined, is purely coincidence, or is cited directly. Terms used often by fellow band members may be used, but this does not mean it came from them. It means I talk more like them now.

I have just finished my first “mini tour” with the band The Dark Clan, and it was an eye-opening experience. As in, my eyes were open for WAY too long.

I thought I’d report the things I learned while on tour.  I’d say I was prepped for learning some of these by experiencing large bellydance festivals, but they were really solidified in experiencing the music community.  But they could easily apply to any performance art where you are not at home for a period of time.

I think I can say that MC Hammer  Vanilla Ice summed it up with “Stop, Collaborate and Listen.”

Oh yes, I’m going there.  This will take two or three posts - the first of which is Stop!

Stop

• Stop Taking It So Seriously

I am not special. I am one of 8,000+ people who are in a band, getting up on a stage and putting myself out there. Someone does the shit I do - and they have better shoes. And the crowd is probably not there for me.  Unless, of course, it is all your friends - in which case, they are all there for you.  If they showed up.

• Stop For a Moment and Breathe

Really, it isn’t as hard as it seems.  It’s all the stuff BEFORE the show that is hard: rehearsing, writing songs and music and parts.  Thankfully, I leave that to Dan. I just pester him for my part, sing it, play it, and I’m done. Getting on stage - at least for me - is just the natural next step.  The first time, I was pretty freaked out.  Now, it’s like a natural progression - and gives me a chance to wear a top hat.

• Stop and Take a Moment to Yourself

Traveling with a group of people crammed into small spaces together for long periods of time is a skill. A skill I actually already have due to doing this WAY too often.  But with each new group you try it with, there’s always a “feel-it-out” time when you learn to adjust to what people do. This includes the balance of talk and silence. Luckily, Mercedes was pretty straight forward about it: silence is OK.  In fact, it is golden.  So, take that moment to yourself - put on your headphones, and relax.  They’ll still be here when you get back, and they’ll understand.

• Stop and Pee when You Have To

This could also be called: You’re Gonna Be Late for Waiting Around.  As with most planned ETAs, something always seems to get in the way, and very very few events are going to be “planned” or timed out.  This is a FEEL thing, not a PLAN thing.  (With the possible exception of The Dark Room show that had set times of 7:30 -8:07.) You are going to show up later than you expected, but still have to wait around. You’ll get ready in spurts.  First you’ll have to load out the gear into a pile near the stage. Then begins to the sound checks (if you’re lucky) or line checks.  You’ll get to put on some makeup, and then have to come back out to set up your part of the stage. Then you’ll get to go back and do your hair and anything else, perhaps even get dressed.  Most likely this will all occur in a bathroom as most places don’t have “green rooms”. And go to the bathroom as much as you can.

Also learned a lesson - do not get ready before the show in anything that could be ruined by moving gear.

• Stop Feeling Frivolous

If shaving your legs makes you feel good about getting on stage, do it. Yeah - you’re wearing a leather bodysuit that no one will see ANY flesh through, but if it makes you feel more “done”, do it.  I painted my nails in the car on the way there (ostensibly, a BAD idea when wearing white.) But it made me feel finished.  It made me feel complete.  And that came up with me onstage.

• Stop Thinking People will Be There

This sounds rude, but it isn’t.  First, I was a little peeved that some people who said, “OMG! I totally want to be at your show! Tell me when and I’ll be there,” didn’t show up.  It doesn’t mean they don’t like you or think what you’re doing is dumb.  It just means they didn’t make it to the show. Just like you didn’t get to Bobby’s school play that time.

These shows are also small. They are usually in small venues, sometimes on odd nights.  Be extremely grateful for the people that are there, and be your own source of energy.  If you need a crowd to feed off of in order to have a good show, you are screwed. Yeah - a crowd is awesome, and seeing people loving your music is great. But don’t expect it, and let people know that you appreciate them being around.

• Stop Thinking You’ll Get Sleep

You won’t. And even if you do, it’s a fluke, and probably will be immediately made up for by some wankery occurring, or you will have wished you were up. Typically, you will not be comfortable, you will not have a whole lot of time to sleep, and you probably won’t want to.  (As a side note, bring a pillow.)

Dan appears to have mastered the sleeping while in a moving vehicle thing.  I have not.  Up till 3, leaving at 9am is the theme. That’s what happens when you are the tour bus.  Seriously, take plenty of Vitamin C, Zinc, and anything else that you might need to boost your immune system, because you are not going to get sleep. 

But it’s about the experience right? Hell yeah it is.

I’ll continue with Collaborate and Listen in the next post or two. But I’d love to learn your “Stop” lessons too.

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

This blog post is meant to be a brainstorming session about building a Milwaukee-based creative community social network. I’m just throwing out thoughts - please comment and discuss, suggest things, disagree. Please note that I’m not pro or con any thing on these lists - I’m just putting questions out there that occur to me.
(If it would be helpful, a wiki might be a good idea if this is something people really want to talk about.)

What is it for?

Communication
Mutual Support
-monetary?
-attendance?
-planning?
-sharing resources?
-sharing information and experiences?
Collaboration
Events
Venues
Common Voice for legislation or activism
Calendar

Questions?
Who would be a part of it?
–dancers?
–traditional art?
–designers (graphic)
–designers (textile) (Fashion Ninja, Fasten, costume designers)
–crafters (ala art vs. craft?)
–tattoo artists?
–writers?
–writing groups?
–actors?
–bands?
–spoken word?
–theatres?
–clubs?
–bars?
–galleries?
–radio stations
–events? (festivals?)
–stores? (paper boat? broadway paper?)
–Bucketworks
–venues?
–studios? (like, dance studios that might host training seminars, etc.)
–newspapers?
–museums?
–art & music teachers?
–art schools? MIAD? School of the Arts?
–art students?
–current media that lists artistic events? Footlights?
–twitterers (ArtCity?)

What is the definition of a member? Do we even want to go here? Will it be open to anyone? Aspiring artists? People who just want to be a part of the artistic crowd? Will there have to be a proven connection to art or interest in art, or ??

Size of Artist matter? For example, is this for local artists that are not supported by UPAF? Bel Canto Choir? The MKE Symphony? The MKE Ballet? Ko-Thi? Or just smaller artists? Is this for ALL MKE art? Is this for smaller artists?

What is Local? City of Milwaukee? Greater Milwaukee area? What does that include?

Presence? Live and Virtual? Regular meetings, like Fuel Milwaukee? An Organization? Or more like a community collective?

What do you envision? Give me an example of interaction of this Creative Community.

Are there already artistic communities that exist in the area for this?

Are there artistic communities out there that already do this that we could emulate?

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

President Barack Obama made this statement in his inaugural address (emphasis mine):

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

I understand what he’s saying - he’s making a reference to ethnic diversity as being accepted, welcomed.  He’s saying, “We’re all human beings, let’s let racism go.”  I get that, and I agree.

But it made me think about tribes, and how if American’s really did think in terms of Tribe, we might be even better off.

Let me ’splain.

Tribe is about similarities and differences.

The definition of Tribe is about similarities. Websters offers, “a group of persons having a common character, occupation, or interest.” The ideal here is that it creates a community. A community of perfectionists. A community of financial representatives. A community of bird-watching enthusiasts. A community of bellydancers.

However, I think the idea of Tribe has too often been used only to denote differences among groups.  You come from there, I come from here.  You have this color skin, culture and traditions, I have these. We use these differences for purposes of both celebration and separation. To distinguish ourselves from others, but also to segregate ourselves. You are from this tribe - you cannot be also a part of mine…

…which is where the error occurs.

We need to remember that Tribe is really about similarities - the things we share in common. The joys, the perils and the dreams of the human race. Like a massive Venn diagram, by looking at what we share, we become closer to each other. The attributes we share also highlight the differences in a positive way for growth and learning.

The similarities allow us to look at each others’ differences in ways that are more accepting. When we connect through the similarities, we are more able to learn from the differences.

Tribe is about coming together rather than setting apart.

Following on the differences/similarities discussion, I’d like to address community. Most people believe that differences set us apart from others - but they don’t have to. Differences make a group stronger. A team with people with the same proficiencies and deficiencies will find themselves lacking in areas, and less likely to accomplish a task as completely as possible. But mix up the groups and include people with different skills, and you have a much better chance of growth and success, as well as meeting everyone’s need to feel their specialties matter.

This is the essence of Tribe: using the similar factor to bring us together (perhaps it is a goal, an occupation), we are able to utilize the strengths of each person individually to reach that goal. On a very corporate level, this is like getting the right people for the different jobs in the company. Because each company is a tribe as well.

Our whole existence is about Tribes. We constantly label each other based on appearance and behavior, what each person is into, and more. We create groupings that might be deemed Tribe if there was openness and sharing. We give ourselves these labels: foodies, gamers, hipsters, GenX/Y/Z, Capricorns. Another word used might be “culture”, such as “geek culture”. We’ll subscribe to the “things” of Tribe, but too often won’t connect with the rest of the Tribe. It becomes about being the BEST in the Tribe.

Tribe is about a collective experience rather than comparison.

It’s almost as if being part of the group is anathema. In America, perhaps that stems from our break-off independent attitude. We’d rather be the black sheep than a white sheep, and frankly, being a “sheep” at all is a bad thing (thus the snarky label of “sheeple”.) Even if we subscribe to a Tribe, we are often focused on being the most loved, the most important, the most…whatever…within that Tribe. We will sign onto a Tribe, and immediately start comparing ourselves to its members - judging where we fit in, what the pecking order is.

It’s about the competition.

It’s not entirely the person’s fault - our culture really supports the idea of climbing a ladder in every possible situation. But that isn’t what Tribe is about. Tribe is about the experience of the whole. And not at the sacrifice of the person - but in support of each person’s individuality. When we support each person’s striving for personal success or achievement, we each win.

Perhaps this sounds utopian, or like some artist’s commune, but I have seen it work. And the results are astoundingly awesome. When each person seeks their own happiness within the framework of the happiness of the Tribe, both sides benefit. When we stop trying to undermine each other, prove ourselves better than the person next to us, we might find that the hurdles we perceived along our journey melt away.

Perhaps I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

Tribe is about sharing rather than secrets.

The way to move into the collective experience and out of the competition? Sharing.

The amount of law around intellectual property and copyright itself should be a consideration of how our culture doesn’t believe in sharing. Because sharing your idea in a way that may not be directly attributable (and payable) to you doesn’t benefit you in this current culture structure. We are materialistic (that isn’t automatically a bad thing, btw) and feel we own not only our stuff, but our thoughts and emotions. And if there is any success to come of that, we want to be the recipient of it!

But sharing can bring success even greater than competitive success. It benefits us, it benefits the Tribe, and it connects us more with other people - effectively widening our Tribe. Not to mention the personal emotional benefits of sharing.

When you’ve brought together a bunch of people with a common trait, or for a common purpose, you’ve brought all their strengths, weaknesses, hopes and concerns with them. You’ve also brought in all their collective knowledge, taboos, and experiences. These are all opportunities for learning and growth that, if shared, can benefit everyone within the Tribe.

Unfortunately, these benefits are currently outweighed by the benefits of competitive success. Some might say that we can’t move to sharing until we stop comparing. But I disagree. I think we can move ourselves from competition through sharing.

Take Radiohead. They opened up a whole different vein of the music business through offering their music for free. As bands and companies tried harder and harder to hold onto rights for music, Radiohead took the leap. There’s been a lot of discussion about selling out, bait-and-switch, but in reality, Radiohead’s actions opened up the idea to other bands. From that one decision, others thought, “Hey - perhaps we’ll share too.”

It’s difficult. Because we are a competitive culture, something for free feels like a way to get ahead of others. We still are unlikely to give money to support that sort of sharing. We are not likely to recognize those who have come before us, to recognize the tribes from which we have gained so much learning. We prefer to hold the recognition for ourselves, in order to separate ourselves from our Tribes as more desirable. Perhaps it is part of natural selection and built into our genes…

…But perhaps not. The Obama presidential campaign shows us that if there is something that we really want, we may put our money behind it even if there is no promise of return. We can support an ideal, a feeling, recognize ourselves as a Tribe working together for a common purpose. The Obama campaign was the most sharing, open communication experience that has happened in decades, perhaps longer.

So when Obama says, “the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve,” I know he’s talking about race issues and our separatist, competitive beliefs about Tribe. Because it is partially his campaign that shows highlights of a better way to view Tribe - as a community experience that brings us together, our strengths, our flaws, our hopes and fears to achieve something great.

And by bringing us all together, perhaps we can find a way to connect ourselves to a more Tribe-centric way of viewing the world, and use that in making decisions that are good for everyone involved.

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

This weekend, I spent a lot of time running around preparing for several upcoming events. Like most people who have many interests, I managed to overschedule myself so that I am preparing for many things, all at once, and have soaring expectations for each one of those events.

So, last night I was working on new costuming for an upcoming hafla while listening to a podcast about transforming your relationship with money.

I should have known that such a combo might cause some conflict.

I was listening to this seminar thing, chuckling here and there, sewing fabric onto a new bra. I had a vision in my head of what I wanted for that event, with that song, etc. It would be perfect. Of course, I didn’t have the exact outfit I wanted, so I was making a new one.

I had just finished the trim at the top when the chapter of the seminar came on called Have, Do, Be. The speaker began to discuss how we structure so much of our lives and dreams in a backwards method. We feel we need to have some materials before we can take some action which will allow us to BE something we want to be. We need to have the right shoes before we can join that class to dance so we can call ourselves a dancer.

Just like I needed to have this new costume for a performance so I could perform, so I could be a bellydancer.

The reality is - if we’d just BE what we are, we’d be moved to DO what we have to in order to accomplish our goals, and the things we needed to have would either come, or we’d pick up along the way. Sure, another costume that fits the performance would be ideal - but only if I feel completely comfortable with the performance. But I was approaching it from the idea that once I had the perfect costume, the dance would come - when in reality, it is quite the opposite.

It’s a hafla. I don’t need custom-made costuming for every single performace - cobbling together something from the three rubbermaids in my attic should suffice. What really matters is the dance, is doing it well, praticing, and interpreting the music appropriately. All the rest is bonus.

This can be extended to other things floating around dancers’ minds as well. From costuming, to body image. I’ll really be a dancer when I have this training. I’ll be a good dancer when I have a better body. So many times, one forgets that if one just danced, just put themselves into dance headspace regularly, some of those “haves” might come to us. Fitness, training, inspiration - these things can be gained through regular practice and striving.

This works for most things. If we strive to BE what we want to be, instead of attaining the appearance of what we want to be, we may find that we already have everything we want - direction, inspiration, and even appearance.

I think in some ways, this is a problem with some of the dance performances I’ve seen out there. Often, high quality costuming is a way of masking average or sub-average skill. We automatically view someone as more professional, more skilled, more desirable, by how well they accoutrement themselves. It’s true in the business world, in the music world - it is true of human nature. We judge things first by how they look. So, it is easy to care first about the appearance of our costumes and makeup as part of an image - it’s the first communication with our audience. But it isn’t the most important communication.

By no means am I suggesting that one shouldn’t try to costume to fit the piece. That is integral to performance. One must consider the venue, the atmosphere, the tone, and the image one is working with, as well as the music. This is to say that if your dancing sucks, it really doesn’t matter how cool your corset was.

I don’t need anything to dance. I just have to dance.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Update: Again, PT hits the topic I’m currently writing about. Hers is more survivalist and in your face, whereas mine is more headspace/perspective. Either way, we are both saying similar things: the need to make art (in my case, dance) supercedes the need to have better, new costuming. Sometimes, though, one gets distracted and thinks that the details make more difference than the doing. Not so. The Doing is the Art.

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

If I were to choose words that I wanted to be defined as, I’d probably choose: elegant, sophisticated, disciplined, daring and alluring.

Unfortunately, I meet none of those expectations.  The closest I can get is: occasionally tailored, friendly, paradoxical, safe, and nerdy - which is some people’s definition of “alluring.” 

I’ve spent many years trying to be the previous adjectives. During that time, I met some people who get closer to those words than I do, one of whom taught me how “custom-made/designed” and “Each piece is unique” was coveted.  I agreed - “No two alike!” was something I wanted for myself.

But “folksy” hand-made stuff by local people didn’t fit into that.  “Folksy” is what I defined “home-made” and DIY as, despite the fact that I was making my own costuming for years - some more well-done than others.  So when people talked about Etsy, I was uninterested.  I mean, really uninterested. I can only handle so many woolen dolls with buttons for eyes, thankyouverymuch. I don’t need more crap in my life.

I still appreciated that style of stuff, though.  That people were able and willing to make things with their own hands.  And I was already doing quasi-odd things like wearing knee highs with hearts and skulls. I appreciated the cute, the small, the unique.  But I didn’t define myself as someone who would have stuff like that. 

I tried: Milwaukee is actually a great place for handmade items.  We have a regular event called Art vs. Craft, and I went to it once.  There was some stuff I liked, but mostly, I was thinking, “I could make that.”  It didn’t occur to me that I could say the same thing about stuff in the department store. 

I think, however, something happened on the way to the forum.  I THINK it began with this guy. I mean, creative facial hair is as home-made as it gets.

I think the seeds were sown at this place in 2007 when I went for the first time.  This place redefines, “Hand made” into something ultimately geeky. 

Then in February, I moved into an apartment with stencils in the hallway.  Seriously, I knew it was over for me when I realized that that was a MAJOR draw for me that it had hand painted things in the hallway, and when I was aghast at the landlord suggesting that it should be removed. I still can’t decide if I took that apartment because it was the better of the two I was looking at, or if it was to save the stencils.  It doesn’t matter because it became the coziest home I’ve ever known.

From there, it was a downhill battle.  I bought a winter hat in the height of summer that was handknitted in rather rough wool by some octogenarian at a small festival in the neighborhood.  It is a carrot hat!  I was overcome with the cuteness.

I  also lived in Bay View - an even better place to find things handmade, repurposed, and generally earth, pocketbook, and soul-friendly. A place open up there called Paper Boat, showcasing handmade things from all over.  Initially, I was uncertain, but then I went in and found art that was the type I wanted to hang on my walls - something real, something beautiful and accessible.  From cards to t-shirts, I liked a lot of things.  But I didn’t have the cash to spend. 

Then, in my visit to Portland’s Saturday Market, I came across this bag from Appetite.  I’d been looking for my own “messenger bag” - something that was well designed, but not too trendy, not something that was made in China, but something that had some thought put into it, very custom and original.  The moment I saw this bag, I knew it was the one.  Something about the juxtaposition of the coarse linen/wooly fabric and the elaborate jacquard decoration fit perfectly.  It was also lined nicely, held a lot, and didn’t hurt to wear.

Then I met Claire at a bellydance even (TribO!) and noticed she was making these fabulous pants.  I immediately loved them and thought I should have some - and then I noted she was on Etsy.  Why hadn’t it occurred to me that Etsy might be the perfect place for the bellydance artist to sell their wares?  I hand make costuming all the time - but piece by piece, instead of a line of things.  Etsy is perfect for that.

Now I have my own Etsy account, and while I’m not selling stuff, I’m constantly looking at what’s out there - and I’m amazed!  I look at blogs like Etsy Wedding, and scroll through Etsy for items that dancers might be interested in.  Perhaps an Etsy Dance blog would be something people would appreciate - finding and posting nifty costume pieces from etsy…

Etsy has now become my default place to look for something interesting and new - why buy something off ebay that anyone could get when you can get something more original off Etsy? 

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

Those of you who know me might know that I’m also a member of a band called The Dark Clan.  I’m a relatively new member.  I sing some vocals and play bass keyboards.  We are on LJ (the_dark_clan.livejournal.com) and have a Facebook group too.  Feel free to join one or all.

So the News:

We have a new record!   We have shows! 

Record: It’s called “Perspectives - Remixes, B-Sides, Covers and Live Tracks” or just “Perspectives”

There are new mp3s up on our myspace:  www.myspace.com/thedarkclan   And no, the songs are not 12 minutes long.  We don’t know why it says that.  But even if it were true, it would be 12 minutes of AWESOMENESS.

FYI - I am not on this record - I’m way too new to the group to have made it on.

Shows: Below are the upcoming shows.  We are working on more shows, including a show in Milwaukee, which would be awesome to have something at home. 
 

UPCOMING DARK CLAN SHOWS!

March 5th - Frequency in Madison, WI w/ Sensuous Enemy and XUBERX
121 West Main St. Madison WI 53703
 

March 6th - Club Underground in Minneapolis, MN w/ Thosquanta, Uber Cool Kung Fu and XUBERX
355 Monroe St NE Minneapolis, MN 55413 612.627.9123
 

March 8th - Darkroom in Chicago, IL w/Cruciform Injection, The Gothsicles, and XUBERX
2210 W Chicago Ave Chicago IL 60622 773.276.1411

April 2nd - MOJO 13 in Wilmington, DE w/ XUBERX and TBA
1706 Philadelphia Pike, Wilmington, DE19809 302.798.5798 www.mojothirteen.com
 

April 3rd - Ascension in Baltimore, MD w/ Dharmata 101
Club Orpheus 1003 East Pratt St Baltimore, MD 21202 410.276.5599
 

April 5th - Spellbound in Washington, DC w/Caustic, The Gothsicles, Prometheus Burning, and XUBERX
1823 L St NW, Washington, DC

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

I think part of keeping your promises involves a sense of living up to expectations, and I’m more sensitive to living up to those I present to others than I am to myself.

But who sets these expectations up?  Me.

In reality, living up to expectations is a loaded idea that keeps us beating ourselves up.  We set them up for ourselves and for others, and often believe that others have them for us as well.  But really, people only expect from you what you tell them you’re going to give them.  So, in reality, you are the architect of your schedule, your expectations, and in many cases, your stress.

Because we expect too much of ourselves in measuring up against others. I missed a day at the gym, which spells the downfall of my whole regimen.  I put whipped cream on the latte, which we mentally abuse ourselves for the extra calories.  I didn’t mingle enough at the party.  I only practiced twice this week instead of every day.

We are building too high a level of expectation into the promises we made ourselves.  That’s because we want our goals now, and our lives are built around being ashamed that we are “other than” the ideal person we dream of at any particular moment.  Instead of thinking of ourselves as constantly growing and changing, we tend to think of ourselves as terminally deficient.  We are always thinking of a later date when our goals will be realized.

But the trick is this: that just making headway a little bit every day on each of those goals, even just mentally, is working on achieving that goal.  Each day, each action is a success. We need to reevaluate those “expectations” and rather than comparing ourselves to others, compare where we are today with where we were yesterday.  And we need to accept it, and continue to act.

Life occurs in the process, not at the goal.

That means, when the moment comes and I think: “Should I go to the gym?” the answer should involve getting changed and heading out.  The answer should involve action. 

Someday, I hope the question won’t even come up.  I want to get up and go to the gym as part of who I am, not as part of some short-term goal I’m holding myself up to.  I want to be the type of person who keeps the promises I make to myself.

And those promises are tiny, little steps.  Each one is a promise.  Not the far distant future that says, “If, then…” but the small decision I make today, in the moment, to do the thing that is best for who I think I am. 

Each decision I make now is a step, and that is all the control I need.

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

I was running at the gym last week and thinking to myself.  The thought that came to me was, “I need to carve out time for myself like this all the time.  This is MY time, time for ME.”

And then I nearly fell off the treadmill with a realization.

What part of my calendar isn’t “my time”?

The events that are filling my evenings are obligations and activities that I chose to do, and that I have added to my goals.  Dance practice with friends. Band practice. Meeting up with buddy for dinner.  Somehow, these got reclassified in my brain as “obligations imposed by others” that trumped other goals. Was this because they involved other people than myself? Was this because I was making promises to people that I wanted to make sure and live up to, but didn’t feel the need to live up to the promises to myself?

It was like being smacked in the face with my planner.  If you really wanted to get down to technical details, there isn’t a single thing on my schedule that isn’t chosen by me, including my job. So, how could I tell myself that I had no time to do the things that I promised to myself?  Everything on my schedule is something I feel is important, and anything that falls into the times around my day job is most certainly something I want to do because it leads towards a goal I desire.  Even if I don’t put it formally on the schedule but have an “every day I must…” attitude, it is still a promise I made to myself.  It is something I desire.

After having acknowledged that all events in my schedule are my events, I revisited the original statement about going to the gym.  Didn’t I also want to do that? Don’t I have goals associated with the gym that are very important to me, perhaps more important than any other goals? What is the difference?

I am the one I make the promise to. 

BINGO.

Why am I capable of breaking promises to myself, but will go beyond expectation to keep promises to others?  If all events on my schedule are my promises, to myself or including others, they are all as important as I make them. 

I am responsible for what happens with my time, I am in control of my schedule.  That means I need to take responsibility for what happens during that time, and accept it.  If I feel I need a break, I need to be OK with that.  But I need to start thinking of all my promises as promises made to myself - because that is what they are. Just because they may involve other people does not make them necessarily higher on the chain for following through. They just have more stakeholders. 

And frankly, no one beats me up nearly as much as I do when I fail on a promise, and even moreso on promises to myself. 

So, I can choose to see my schedule however I want.  I can frame it as my life getting out of control and people demanding my time, or I can think of it as something I have complete control over, and have chosen to be involved in many pursuits. 

Either way, I have to accept that all my obligations, regardless of what’s involved, are promises I make to myself.

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

I’m always interested in the theory of creativity (and almost anything about how the brain works).  One of my favorite speeches on creativity is by Sir Ken Robinson on TED.  I’ve been reading about creativity and its cultivation for years.

That’s how I found this TED talk on Flowby Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.  Beyond his Eastern European accent and almost speedy, droning voice is the thread of something that I think is integral to the artistic experience.  Milton referenced his Muse, others attribute their works to a god or a loved one.  Most artists ”source” their inspiration from somewhere, and describe their feelings during their most creative times in terms that resemble being consumed and focused, unaware of the world even.  Donne and Rumi would refer to it as ecstasy in their own way.

Mihaly would say this is an example of Flow - the creative moment when a person is completely involved in an activity for its own sake.  And he would say that when we are in Flow, we are living life at its fullest.

How does it feel to be in “the flow”?

1. Completely involved, focused, concentrating - with this either due to innate curiosity or as the result of training
2. Sense of ecstasy - of being outside everyday reality
3. Great inner clarity - knowing what needs to be done and how well it is going
4. Knowing the activity is doable - that the skills are adequate, and neither anxious or bored
5. Sense of serenity - no worries about self, feeling of growing beyond the boundaries of ego - afterwards feeling of transcending ego in ways not thought possible
6. Timeliness - thoroughly focused on present, don’t notice time passing
7. Intrinsic motivation - whatever produces “flow” becomes its own reward

Not only does he discuss what Flow is, but he gives some idea of how we can bring ourselves into that state.

This is immensely intriguing to me, and inspiring. To me, it has always been something elusive - when I would try hardest, flow would be furthest away. Being “in the moment of creation” happens chaotically, usually spurred by some emotion that breaks a barrier to reveal something new. 

For me, Flow is the moment on the stage when the dance becomes more like singing, and the moment in rehearsal when singing becomes more like dancing. 

But I cannot create that moment.  It must just happen.  It’s almost like a deep-seated faith.  So the idea that I can cultivate that state of being for the purpose of putting together a choreography or really nailing a song down is very appealing.  Even further, the ramifications of how I could apply this to my every day life and 9-5 existence seem even more intoxicating.

This chart shows the correlation between challenge level and skill level.  From his tests, Mihaly finds that the state of Flow exists when the individual has a moderate to high level of skill combined with a moderate to high level of challenge.  What this means to me?  Practice your brains out, and constantly invite new experiences/moves/techniques into the plan. Work on reaching that high note with adequate support.  Start choreographing that song that you think might be too fast.

However, the other point that Mihaly makes is that if you can get yourself to a state of arousal or control, you can learn to slide into Flow. To me, arousal is interest in something completely new and difficult, but having enough ability to understand how one might go about achieving that new method.  At that point, if you can build skill - you’ll push yourself into Flow. 

The same with Control.  You have built strong technique, but haven’t reached beyond your immediate boundaries, perhaps you are stuck in a rut.

Sounds simple, but I’m not sure.  I read Twyla Tharp’s “The Creative Habit” and she too stresses the importance of structure and practice - drilling as I term it.  I also read Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way and The Vein of Gold, and both books implement regular writing “drills” every morning, which seem to sweep away the extra thoughts as well as constant practice at creation. 

But some of this seems beyond practice and more closely aligned with personal psychology.  You have to build the skills, but you could go nowhere with them.  Can you have skills, but never achieve “flow?”  Or…can you experience flow, and be forever ruined to creation outside of that state?  Can creation of quality product happen outside of flow, or would that be “practice?”

What is your experience with “Flow”?  Can you put yourself into a state of “flow”? Do you find you create best when in this space?  Do you think looking at it so clinically removed some of the artistry of the experience?  What do you think of all this?

(Interesting…right after I wrote this draft post, I went to a seminar where the book Flow was listed as the #1 choice for Business Books of 2008.  )

Edit:

Penelope Trunk and I seem to be roaming similar headspace, because today she posted her blogpost about Mihaly’s theory of Flow.

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

“All activities should be done with one intention. That intention is to realize our connection with all beings.”

-Pema Chodrom

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

As is typically required, one looks back at the last year and then forward to the next year.  This is usually done under the guise of self-review, but actually done to guilt-trip and brutalize oneself for all the things one did not accomplish last year and make new goals to do them this year.

I’ll have none of that.  I’m going to look at all the accomplishments of last year, and then I’m going to talk about what I’m NOT going to do in the coming year.   Ready?  Here we go…

2008 Review:

• I left and ended a painful and unhealthy relationship.
• I found a fabulous and wonderful relationship.
• I went to TribalCon in Atlanta for the first time.
• I went to TribOriginal in Asheville.
• I had a fabulous Pennsic War experience, made friends, and danced till the sun came up.
• I can’t say enough about Pennsic War 08.
• I saw Man Man in concert with Jason, Kristel & Brian.
• I saw Gogol Bordello in concert twice - with Jason, Kristel, Brian, Kelly at the first, and Jason, Kelly at the second.
• I saw Scarring Party in concert with Jason.
• I saw Martha Wainwright in concert with Kristel.
• I saw Kids in the Hall live with Jason.
• I saw Shiny Toy Guns in concert with Andrew and Jason.
• I went to the Madison Farmer’s Market with Jason.
• I went to LaCrosse with Jason.
• I saw DeVotchka in concert with Jason.
• I saw Bon Iver in concert with Jason.
• I saw KT Tunstall in concert with Kristel.
• I joined a band and met some really awesome people in the mean time.
• I got more involved in my blog.
• I performed with Kelly for the first time on an awesome comedy piece.
• I organized my first bachelorette party, and it went well.
• I stood up in a wedding, and at one that I felt was important!
• I performed in my cabaret gear (after which, it promptly broke!)
• I performed at Tribal Revolution Hafla in Khivan.
• I got involved in the election campaign of the century. 
• I danced solo at Shaia’s event in November and December.
• I visited Ann Arbor and Defiance, Ohio.
• I canvassed for a political candidate.
• I went to Seattle.
• I went to Portland, Oregon.
• I went to Fort Flagler.
• I expanded my friends in family and my family of friends.
• I went to a laid-back New Year’s that was fun and welcoming.
• I took a workshop with Mardi Love, thereby completeing the trifecta of workshops (thanks Kristel!)
• I feel like I am myself for the first time in many years. 
• I am sure there is more!  I will add to the list.

What I am NOT going to do in 2009:

• I am NOT going to choose immediate pleasure over my goals.
• I am NOT going to fool myself and believe that some other time is better than NOW.
• I am NOT going to schedule my weeks too tightly or my life too much.
• I am NOT going to mistake “busy” for “productive.”
• I am NOT going to pass by opportunities for growth just because they demand effort, emotional involvement, or time.
• I am NOT going to value Things more than Experiences. 
• I am NOT going to undermine myself.
• I am NOT going to wile away my life on Facebook, no matter how much my actions speak to the contrary.
• I am NOT going to forget to take photos.
• I am NOT going to let others undermine the meaning of “community” for me. Despite the fact that others may use it in order to appear supportive, I am going to mean it.
• I am NOT going to be taken advantage of.
• I am NOT going to ignore the means or the path, despite the fact that I might not like either as much as the goal.
• I am NOT going to spend more time beating myself up for what I didn’t do than DOING the things I want to do.
• I am NOT going to avoid a chance to be honest and connected with others, and telling them how much I appreciate them.
• I am NOT going to avoid a chance to give when I want to and I can.
• I am NOT going to underestimate the power of presence.
• I am NOT going to take family for granted.
• I am NOT going to be someone else for anyone else.
• I am NOT going to keep digging this hole instead of digging out of it.
• I am NOT going to let fear of substandard achievement keep me from trying new things.

Special thanks to the people who made this year what it was (complete with handles):

• Jizosama
• Stupidfish
• K-Co
• Anexia
• Rannadanna
• Livie
• RaksChristina
• Baseema
• Downright Amazed and MercySkye 
• Onca Ponnatime
• August
• Danielle 
• Beese and Sharbaughs across the world
• Obama

Thank you!

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

“Discipline is remembering what you want.”
      -David Campbell

h/t to K-Co

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

You Just Can’t Kill It

This link came from k-co back in September, and I meant to post it, really I did.  Today, I was thinking: what exactly is the definition of GOTH, and what does it mean for a sub-culture?

My favorite thing about this article on goth subculture is that the image of the Victorian dress is what qualifies for my "goth style" if I were to have one.

I guess coming from the country, I avoided being labeled anything except "weird" and avoided following any particular genre of anything (except perhaps geek-culture, which I didn't really know existed either): music interests, clothing, behavior all were what I felt like doing, not what fit into anything particular.

I don't know if my interest in gothic things stems more from the fascination with Victorian oddness or the acceptable rebellion. Anything morbidly dramatic makes me roll my eyes, but in a way, this is its own elite-ism of being a non-goth. Those with massive collections of everything Gorey and Tim Burton invoke such a sigh in me that I cannot fathom. I think, "I was into Gorey without knowing it was popular to do so."

Which of course, is exactly the melodramatic elite-ism that I shun in others. In the Matrix, I was eerily reconnected with the feeling of being separate from reality. I wanted to be Switch. I love a good corset, and dream of my own kirtle skirt. I have knock-off granny boots and authentic black Victorian hats, complete with netting. I read Laurel K. Hamilton and Jacqueline Carey for entertainment and I have LARPed OWBN-approved games. I bellydance and worked at a renaissance faire for years. I own a first-edition of Justine. I had a dramatic "handle" and a sacred flower (any guesses?) I do have another dramatic nickname for my continued costumed events.

I too have contemplated about the depth of a vampire's descent into darkness over the passing ages.

I too walked through a wintery day down Wisconsin Avenue with NIN Pretty Hate Machine blasting in my walkman, thinking about how much it was the soundtrack to my life.

I am eager to know that absinthe is allowed back into the states, despite my hatred of things licorice-flavored. I have a penchant for velvets, silks, chiffon and occasionally PVC/vinyl in reds, blacks and whites. Stripes, especially pinstripes, make me giggle with delight.

Yes, I want a top hat.

But I would never have said I was a goth. Maybe a weekend-warrior that occasionally goes to clubs decked out in black. But reading the article, I realize that perhaps even my eschewing of a brand fits into the subculture. (Kelly - does this mean that I have "strange presence" when performing?)

Originally published at Lane Ellen. You can comment here or there.

Here I plan on continuing the debate on whether blogging is right for…well, anyone who is thinking of blogging.  I’ll be touching on some of the realities and concerns that affect me in considering blogging. See Part 1 here.

Concern/Reality #1: Should I Really Post That?

This one is probably the biggest, which is why I put it first (probably should have saved the headliner for last to keep my massivereadership engaged, but I like to change it up.) It is especially ironic to discuss when I specifically stopped keeping a personal online journal because of the lack of authenticity it required.

Freedom of Speech and the Press seem to be the backbone of blogging, but when you start to view blogging in light of the fact that some employers are using blog content as part of their consideration of you as an applicant, it really brings those high sky ideals down to the hardest tundra of the earth.  You never know what someone will take offense to, and criticizing anything from conservatism/liberalism to Apple/Microsoft could make an impact on what people think about you. 

Seems obvious, but really think about it.  It really makes one contemplate what you publish.  If you have a job other than writing a blog and you are new to the blogging world, what you put out there publicly really could make a difference.

Once you are well known as a blogger and command a strong network of readers, you get a little more freedom.  Penelope Trunk indicates that the “Pay Your Dues” motto of the past no longer applies, but I think it still does in terms of freedom, and especially about blogging.  You might be better served by being careful about your posts until you have some time and respect under your belt.

But then, there are those who focus their blogs on being provocative or even incendiary as a part of their image, or brand.   Did they start out that way?  Probably not.  And they probably don’t have jobs in conservative fields, like the financial industry.

• So, how do you maintain the delicate balance between writing what you want and keeping up a good image? 
• Do you censor yourself?
• Do you write that professional, but negative, review?
• Do you leave certain topics alone?  (i.e., the big flame-war topics of abortion, politics, religion, etc?)

I obviously did not stay away from politics during this last election, but I also don’t show up on the scale of important blogs. So staying away from a topic that inflamed me is really difficult.

Concern/Reality #2: Wipe Away the Past

This is an extension of the previous question, but do you go back and delete old posts that are just not up to par?  After you’ve been blogging for a while, you probably have tweaked your style fully and fire off posts without much thought.  But should one be cognizant of the past posts where you were still working things out? 

This is a very real concern to me, on two levels. 

Do you get rid of posts that might not paint the right picture of you that you want the world to see?  Or do you bare all in a freedom of information act blaze of glory? 

Do you get rid of posts that might not be crowd pleasers, or - more succinctly - might have views that are swinging in a strong direction in an attempt to be of interest to everyone?

Concern/Reality #3: Harrassment

Sometimes, I wonder if I should blog because I am so offended by commenters to other blogs I read.  It seems like blogs and internet writing really draw the cretin from their slimy homes.  Especially if you discuss strong topics, make assertive statements, or just state an opinion of any sort.

Then there’s further harassment - as in, how much of my personal life do I put into here? Do my loved ones have rights to privacy about themselves insofar as it affects me? How much of a target of criminals do I make myself?

And what if I do become popular? Can I even deal with the emotional response to the huge amount of assholes that will inevitably show up and nay-say everything? Or in the case of Kathy Sierra, where harrassment becomes stalking? I don’t think so highly of myself, but keeping a blog means that the past is out there, and a lot of information are in one’s posts.

Concern/Reality #4: If a Tree Falls In the Woods…

Am I just wasting my time? There are just so many blogs that it seems hard to imagine that one might become more desireable to read than another. I could have the greatest revelation about how to achieve peace on earth, and no one would ever read it to know because I’m not big in the blogging world.  And also because I’m not well-known, any thoughts I might have on a topic have less impact.

I have a lot of goals with this blog, but I’m not sure they are attainable, and even if attained, fulfilling. It seems a far leap from when I just wanted to write down my feelings and experiences to produce a blog that regularly discusses topics with attention to detail.  I read a lot about what blogs should be or do - short posts with links and succinct information. And I’m not sure that I’m in the blogging world for that purpose. 

Which leads me to wonder if there is a place for a long-winded blogger such as myself.

Next blogging post Part 3: Goals and Positives.